I wish I was as accomplished as ***.

It's official.  I took the week of August 16-23 off from both my jobs with the hopes of salvaging some fun out of summer.  Hopefully this mini vacation will consist of a lake trip, camping, and a trip to the cities.  Either that, or it will consist of me lying in my bed for an entire week.  I am still paranoid that the latter will be the case.

My anxiety level has been quite high lately-not healthy.  I know that it stems from my dad being sick, the fact that I am working two jobs, one of which starts very early in the morning, and shady people, and that some of it is just self-induced.  Whatevs.

Lunch with Gretchen at Huhot tomorrow!  Can't wait.  So glad I am only scheduled until noon tomorrow.

I cannot wait to have my friends from Trollwood back.  Like seriously.

So glad Monday night happened... For so many reasons.

*** is Dumbledore!

Confessions

1.  I love college.  The independence and rigorous curriculum is what I have been craving since 10th grade.  I just wish someone would have told me how much summer after high school would suck.  I thought the summer after junior year was bad, when I didn't do Trollwood and worked 20-25 hours a week at Sunmart.  I now work upwards of 55 hours a week and try to be in bed 11 PM every night.  My plan is to take a week off from both my jobs in August to just relax, have fun, and spend time with people.  My fear is that I will take off a week where no one will be available to do ANYTHING and I'll just sit alone in my apartment wishing I was working.

2.  I am a compulsive worrier.

3.  I have spent too much of my time trying to hold on to a few certain people, and every time I think I'm better off without them,  I get incredibly sad and pray that they still want me in their lives, and grovel my way back to them, only to let myself down again.

4.  A large part of my obsession with the material part of marriage (i.e. the wedding ceremony) is due to my fear that my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle.  I never thought he wouldn't be there, but one of the first things I thought of when I found out he was sick was, "Will he be there to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?" 

5.  My dad is my hero.

6.  One of the worst things about being "the funny one", is that I feel like I can never be sad.  I would love to confide in my friends about some of the things that cross my mind, but I feel like I would be a burden.  It's better for me to just paste on a smile and whip out the sarcasm, and tell all my feelings to a piece of paper that can't offer feedback.

7.  I don't care how young this makes me sound, I wish I had a best friend.  As much as I hate to label my friends, I would love to have a #1, someone who I know would be there 100% of the time.  Sadly, I'm trapped in this mindset that I care more about all my friends than they do about me.  Sorry.

8.  I miss performing more than anything in the world.  Whenever I go to a play or a muscial, I sit through the entire thing and leave feeling incredibly jealous.  Sorry if I never look enthused during curtain call, I'm just wallowing in my jealousy.  Besides academics, performance of any kind was the one other thing I felt I excelled at, and felt 100% confident doing.  I feel like I've become so boring, and all I do is work.

9.  There are some things I wish I could confess, but I am afraid of who will actually read this.  I am a compulsive worrier.

10.  I also wanted this list to be at an even 10, but I'm drawing a blank right now, except for confessing that the future both excites and terrifies me, but I feel like that is an assumed emotion that is shared by many.  Oh, here's one: I wish my poetry wouldn't suck so much.

Proofread

skim the pages

soak in the detail

glance over me

a fragment of the sentence

and incomplete idea

incorrect

you try so hard to fix me

but the words don't seem to fit

and improper grammar is such a turn-off

Maybe they're so awful because the only time I feel compelled to write poetry lately is behind my counter at Herbergers.  The bras don't exactly scream 'inspiration'.

Let it be

I expect too much from people.  Just because I would do anything for the people I care about doesn't mean they are willing to do the same.  I don't even ask for that much, just an hour here, an hour there... Apparently that's too much to ask.  My bad.

As happy as I can be with the way things are going for me lately, someone around me is always making me feel insignificant.  I honestly feel like sometimes I would be completely content with just packing up and moving out of here and never communicating with anyone from my past again.  

Relationships between people change.  I wish I had an easier time accepting that.  I think I just let myself get too attached.

What a week.

My icon has died, and with him, so has my childhood.  Sometimes I feel a little silly, because I am so incredibly sad about the loss of Michael Jackson.  I didn't know him, but I have spent 20 years being influenced by his music and his message.  I guess that's reason enough to mourn.  Cody and I made t-shirts to remember him by.

I truly love living downtown.  It's so easy to find a good adventure, and one only has to walk about a block to do it.

I have just about the easiest job in the world, but taking 40 6 and 7 year olds to any public place is just asking for trouble.  Whoever decided that age group would enjoy three hours at a Redhawks game in 90 degree heat where they couldn't play on the playground and could only go to the concession stand once is clearly delusional.  The pool is a more kid-friendly environment, but the minute we get in the water, I have 10 kids all clinging to me saying, "Take me to the deep end!"  They don't understand why all 10 of us can't go at the same time without drowning.

Ah, sweet summertime...

Children

Sometimes my job makes me really excited to be a mom.  Other times it makes me want to rip out my uterus and stomp on it.

The people living in the apartment above me sometimes have squeaky bed sex.  Part of me wants to slip a note under their door telling them, because maybe they aren't aware.

straight up and dirty

God bless Twitter.  Not only does it allow me to inform my followers of my day-to-day activities, but it also gives me a chance to send out mass drunk texts to my friends, as well as strangers.  Genius.  My personal favorite Tweet to date is either "I made my drink into a sandwich" or Caroline's tweet "Beef is delirious", both which occurred in the same night.  Rock stars.

Sometimes I look at my family and ask myself, "How the hell am I not adopted?!?"  

I recently made a list of qualities I look for in a potential mate, and came to the conclusion that the chances of someone fulfilling all of my requirements and being straight are slim to none.  I spent an hour trying to revamp this list, and the only thing I changed was height requirements.  I am now accepting males with heights falling in the range of 5'8"-6', instead of 5'10"-6'.  Clearly, this opens up a door to many new possibilities.

Graduation season is upon us, and with that brings multiple afternoons and evenings of too much free food and awkward encounters.  The free food usually outweighs the awkward encounters, although sometimes not by much.  In the state of our economy, it is nice to know that some people can still afford to have an open bar with drinkers served by a tuxedo-clad bartender at their open house.  Gives me hope for the future.

(818): i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on

(818): and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top

www.textsfromlastnight.com is the greatest thing that the internet has given me since Bo Burnham and Mirandasings08.  It's comforting to know that there are people in this world that text their friends more embarrassing things than I do while intoxicated.