Confessions

1.  I love college.  The independence and rigorous curriculum is what I have been craving since 10th grade.  I just wish someone would have told me how much summer after high school would suck.  I thought the summer after junior year was bad, when I didn't do Trollwood and worked 20-25 hours a week at Sunmart.  I now work upwards of 55 hours a week and try to be in bed 11 PM every night.  My plan is to take a week off from both my jobs in August to just relax, have fun, and spend time with people.  My fear is that I will take off a week where no one will be available to do ANYTHING and I'll just sit alone in my apartment wishing I was working.

2.  I am a compulsive worrier.

3.  I have spent too much of my time trying to hold on to a few certain people, and every time I think I'm better off without them,  I get incredibly sad and pray that they still want me in their lives, and grovel my way back to them, only to let myself down again.

4.  A large part of my obsession with the material part of marriage (i.e. the wedding ceremony) is due to my fear that my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle.  I never thought he wouldn't be there, but one of the first things I thought of when I found out he was sick was, "Will he be there to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?" 

5.  My dad is my hero.

6.  One of the worst things about being "the funny one", is that I feel like I can never be sad.  I would love to confide in my friends about some of the things that cross my mind, but I feel like I would be a burden.  It's better for me to just paste on a smile and whip out the sarcasm, and tell all my feelings to a piece of paper that can't offer feedback.

7.  I don't care how young this makes me sound, I wish I had a best friend.  As much as I hate to label my friends, I would love to have a #1, someone who I know would be there 100% of the time.  Sadly, I'm trapped in this mindset that I care more about all my friends than they do about me.  Sorry.

8.  I miss performing more than anything in the world.  Whenever I go to a play or a muscial, I sit through the entire thing and leave feeling incredibly jealous.  Sorry if I never look enthused during curtain call, I'm just wallowing in my jealousy.  Besides academics, performance of any kind was the one other thing I felt I excelled at, and felt 100% confident doing.  I feel like I've become so boring, and all I do is work.

9.  There are some things I wish I could confess, but I am afraid of who will actually read this.  I am a compulsive worrier.

10.  I also wanted this list to be at an even 10, but I'm drawing a blank right now, except for confessing that the future both excites and terrifies me, but I feel like that is an assumed emotion that is shared by many.  Oh, here's one: I wish my poetry wouldn't suck so much.

Proofread

skim the pages

soak in the detail

glance over me

a fragment of the sentence

and incomplete idea

incorrect

you try so hard to fix me

but the words don't seem to fit

and improper grammar is such a turn-off

Maybe they're so awful because the only time I feel compelled to write poetry lately is behind my counter at Herbergers.  The bras don't exactly scream 'inspiration'.